You begged forgiveness, received it, then turned around and repeated the same behaviour. Maybe you have ended an unhealthy relationship only to cave in and go back multiple times. Perhaps you will meet a new person and soon be back where you were in the old relationship.
We’ve all seen this in other people: the friend who always chooses aloof, unavailable men—the man who always chooses women who cheat on him. And then there’s our repetitive behaviour.
Understanding the whys behind behaviour is one thing; it is the first step, the glimpse, the “aha” moment. However, implementing change, breaking those patterns, and choosing a new way of being are very different. It requires more than awareness, positive action, stopping yourself, and selecting an entirely different response.
Why We Repeat The Same Mistakes In Relationships
Knowledge and wisdom can only set you free when you take its advice. Following your acquired understanding takes awareness, patience, practice, and perseverance.
Be easy on yourself because, from your toddler days onward, your brain creates neural pathways for when you are rewarded (did something right) and for when you are punished (did something wrong). In other words, as much as we learn good habits, we also learn bad ones. And habits are challenging to break. Ask anyone who has ever tried to give up something—be it sugar, pornography, or self-deprecation.
Breaking The Pattern
Gaining an understanding of the choices you made in your past is not enough. Reminding yourself of mistakes can cause the brain to return to that pattern. It is more important to look at your desired destination and head in that direction.
For example, if you want a partner who communicates, when you start falling for someone tied up in knots, remind yourself that you desire a partner who can express their feelings.
Be honest with yourself about what is acceptable and what is not. It’s okay to say, “I like this about you, but I can’t live with that.” Setting standards can help you avoid mistakes in relationships.
If you have been with chronic liars, when you meet someone who falls into this category, recognize the signs and do something about it.
It has been said: “You can’t think your way into better living; you can live your way into better thinking.” In other words, go against your patterns on purpose. Change comes from making different choices.
Remember how far you have come with the positive choices you have made. Feeling defeated or beating yourself up doesn’t help you remove obstacles to change. Empower yourself by recalling your inner strength as a mother, a husband, and a friend. Reinforce your good habits, pay attention to your feelings, your body, and what makes you feel good about yourself.
Letting Go
Let go of old stories scripted by people who do not understand your growth and expansion as a human being. Step over these assumptions and move in the direction you see for yourself.
For example, you start seeing a new person and are smitten. However, some signs point to paths you’ve already travelled. He/she may be over-critical, demanding, or passive-aggressive, and you don’t want to take that same journey again. Make the choice (even if it is uncomfortable) to say no. Move on.
The more you do this, the more you realize you have let go of those old patterns. You are now a different person, able to act on what you have learned.
Be humble and admit to your negative patterns. Nothing is more liberating than acknowledging that you have come to a faulty conclusion because you acted out of emotions linked to a past event. You free yourself of defensiveness, blame, and shame and welcome freedom that will serve you in making future choices.
The more you can admit your humanity, the more you will say yes to honesty and be consistent with what you want. It is exhausting searching for excuses for bad behaviour; it is liberating to admit mistakes and misunderstandings and then move forward.
Moving Forward & Avoiding Mistakes In Relationships
Repeating mistakes in relationships is not fatal. It is something you can change; it is something you can forgive yourself for.
Love yourself for all you are, be present, and do things that make you fulfilled and confident. Say yes to your intuition, ambitions, and passions, and watch as your life unfolds, with the mistakes falling to the back of the line as distant memories.
Love who you are at each phase, keep learning, give and receive compassion, knowing that you are not stuck, that you are capable of change, and that you can live a life informed by the lessons of the mistakes you once made.
