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Creating Fair Expectations for Older Siblings of High-Need Autistic Children: A Social Worker’s Perspective



As a social worker, I often see parents of high-need autistic children grappling with the enormous responsibility of caregiving. It’s no surprise that these parents need occasional breaks from their caregiving duties, as the emotional and physical toll can be overwhelming.


However, there is often a blind spot when it comes to relying on older siblings for support. While it’s absolutely reasonable for parents to need a break, it’s not always reasonable to ask the older sibling to provide that relief.


Setting Fair Expectations for Older Siblings


It’s important to acknowledge that older siblings may be able to help out, but it needs to be within boundaries that respect their own emotional well-being and development. For example, if parents were to ask their older child to watch their high-need sibling, it should be done sparingly and with careful consideration. A fair expectation might be asking the older sibling to babysit no more than 1-2 times per month, and only at times that work for both the parents and the older sibling. This allows the older child to still maintain their independence and focus on their own responsibilities, such as school, social life, and extracurricular activities.


Limiting Supervision Requests


In addition to limited babysitting, parents may occasionally need brief moments of supervision from the older sibling. It’s important to set clear boundaries here as well. A reasonable request might be asking the older sibling to supervise their autistic sibling no more than once a week, and for no more than 30 minutes at a time. This could be while the parents are at home, getting tasks done around the house or taking a much-needed breather. Keeping supervision short and infrequent ensures the older sibling doesn’t feel burdened by ongoing responsibility, while still offering a little extra help to the family.


Chores as an Alternative


Rather than relying on the older sibling for caregiving or supervision, a more sustainable way for parents to ask for help is through household chores. The stress of caring for a high-need autistic child can leave parents feeling overwhelmed by everyday household tasks. By asking the older sibling to take on a few extra chores, parents can lighten their own load without placing the emotional weight of caregiving on the older child. These chores could range from doing the dishes, to helping with laundry, or tidying up shared spaces. This type of help allows the older sibling to contribute without feeling the same level of pressure that comes with caregiving.


The Parental Blind Spot


One of the most common blind spots for parents in this situation is assuming that their older child can handle more responsibility simply because they are older. Often, parents don’t realize that asking the older sibling to take on caregiving tasks for their autistic sibling can lead to mental health difficulties, including feelings of resentment, emotional exhaustion, and even burnout. Parents may assume that, since they grew up helping with younger siblings, their children can and should do the same. However, the dynamic changes drastically when the younger sibling has special needs.


It’s crucial for parents to recognize that while it’s completely understandable to need a break, the older sibling shouldn’t be expected to provide that relief. Instead, parents should seek outside help for caregiving support, whether that be through a respite worker or other community resources.


Finding the Right Balance


For parents of high-need autistic children, finding the right balance between getting the support they need and respecting their older child’s boundaries is key. Occasional babysitting (1-2 times a month) or brief supervision (once a week for 30 minutes) can be reasonable requests as long as they are carefully managed. But when it comes to the emotional strain of caregiving, parents should seek help from outside sources rather than relying on their older child.


By recognizing this blind spot and focusing on alternative ways the older sibling can contribute, such as through household chores, parents can foster a healthier family dynamic. Ultimately, the goal is to ensure that the older sibling remains involved and supportive, but not overburdened or forced into roles they aren’t emotionally equipped to handle.


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